To Whom It May Concern: The Cover Letter I Wish I Could Send

Dear Sir or Madame,

I would like to be considered for hire at Sucking the Soul Out of Me Monday-Friday. I am interested in the position of Executive Eater of Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Watcher of Slam Poetry Videos. I would be an excellent candidate for this position because I like to read, I love to write, and I majored in English, therefore, you are going to see me as just another liberal arts student, but rest assured, I am different. There are lots of reasons you should hire me. I can says lots of bullshit with only a few words. OR I can say a little bullshit with lots of words, depending if you need a tweet or a brochure. I'm patient enough to wait in a 45 minute line for coffee, and I won't tell you when your breath smells. I can't afford your business casual dress code, but don't worry, I don't really wear plunging necklines, so you will never have to have an awkward dress code conversation with me (even though it is my body and I can dress however I want). I know lots of little things that aren't on my resume. I know all the functions of the pads on a dog's paws and I have dabbled in the French language (yes, I do know how to say all of the curse words). My strengths are: giving positive and critical feedback, typing really fucking fast, and organizing things in a way that doesn't make sense to anyone but me! My weaknesses are: sometimes I wear the same makeup two days in a row, I get cranky around 4:00pm and I have to stand up from my chair every hour or else I will fall asleep onto my keyboard. One of my favorite office pastimes is distracting co-workers.  I enjoy working with other people, as long as they aren't mean. If they are mean, I won't really do anything about it, but I will probably cry on the bus ride home, so keep that in mind. Also, I have a hard time getting to sleep so I always look kinda hungover. I tell really painfully bad jokes, and get slightly offended when people don't laugh, just another FYI. You should totally hire me though, because I need to eat, my book hasn't gotten published, and I'm down with the mission statement of your company. If you would like an interview, hmu.

P.S. I'm not taking my nose ring out.

P.P.S. I have visible tattoos, but they aren't offensive. So, yeah.

All the Best,
Morgan B. Hanks